One year post-grad and I’m feeling a bit confused and uninspired. So today I decided to get out of the house. Thankfully, it’s sunnier than usual and the warmest it’s been since September. I passed by the beach on the way to this new coffee shop I’m trying out. The dive bar across the street was opening up their outdoor seating, which is a very good sign that summer is approaching.
On my drive, I blasted Olivia Rodrigo. I scream-sung so powerfully I started to leak water from my eyes. Sometimes that’s exactly what I need: to hop in the car and blast Olivia Rodrigo. It felt so good, like a much-needed detox.
22 is an interesting one for me. I love my life and the person I’ve become by 22, but my dreams feel like they’re progressing so slowly, like stretching taffy. I don’t want to rush time or life, but ughh. It feels like nothing is happening. I’m sure it is, but genuinely… is anything happening?
I don’t want my life to move fast. I want to suck in every moment, even and especially these at 22. But I would enjoy a few more adrenaline rushes of success. I’d love to be on stage like Olivia Rodrigo or Tate McRae or Nessa. I’d love to be in a movie or a show, maybe one I produce myself. I don’t want anyone to take my story and twist it. Hollywood doesn’t really have the best rep, and I’d rather it not ruin me.
The coffee shop I’m sitting at is super cute. It’s a bookstore and cafe all in one. The barista is nice and good looking. He said he just moved here from a few towns over and is filling in for his mom, who owns the place. Cool vibe.
I sat down in a comfy chair by the window and opened my laptop. Hopefully this change of scenery helps my creative flow. It did.
I miss my friends from Charleston. We all scattered back to our hometowns after graduation. Thankfully, I keep in touch with them, and I know I’ll see them at the end of the year for our annual post-grad prom that our college hosts.
I talk on the phone with my best friend Zach maybe three times a week. We always have good things to say to each other. I love Zach. He gets me.
I don’t have many friends that live close to me, which can get boring and feel a bit lonely sometimes, but thankfully, I’d say I’m pretty independent. I wasn’t always, but I learned to adjust.
I try to stay pretty occupied. I have a big list of goals, so I try and do what I can from it before I reach the state of boredom. It’s all things I want to do, so I hate putting pressure on myself to get them done. I’d rather not ruin it and just enjoy the process.
I was scrambling to get ready for work last Friday. My clothes were unfolded, my bed wasn’t made, and there wasn’t enough time to do my hair. I looked around my bedroom and the room that connects to it through a sliding door.
This space used to be my sister’s bedroom before she took over the basement and eventually moved out. It was used for guests until I started renovating my office and needed somewhere to put my supplies. Ultimately the space will become my getting-ready room, but for now, it’s a mess.
I realized:
My room is a mess.
This other room is even worse.
My office supplies are anywhere but my office.
My electric guitar is half bedazzled.
My book is half read.
My clothing brand is at a halt.
There wasn’t one thing that was finished. I had all these doors open, half-done projects, and not a single finished product.
Maybe my ADHD was acting up. Or maybe seeing everything in this state of non-completion was exactly what I needed for there to be a pivot in my life.
The problem wasn’t whether these things were going to get done. It was that I was standing on a tightrope between my reality and the life I was trying to create.
And I think that’s when I realized I couldn’t keep doing things the same way anymore.
